And now she's leaving too.....

It's 3:26 a.m. here in Las Vegas, Nevada and everyone is asleep but me.

I'm feeling a sense of deep sadness and at the same time a sense of completion. A beginning for yet another child of mine, and an ending to a part of parenting that only those who have experienced this loss can possibly comprehend. All of these deep feelings that are surfacing are causing such turmoil within my very soul. It was only a few short months ago that Mandy and Alex moved away to begin their new life in Wichita, Kansas. I remember those feelings as Brian and I drove to Flagstaff in an attempt to catch up to them, for maybe a lunch or even just one more hug. I remember how hot my tears felt as they streamed down my face, knowing that my "baby" was all grown up and had left me home alone. I stared down the highway in an attempt to will them back to Las Vegas but after a few minutes I realized that they weren't coming back. Brian turned the car around and we seemed to drive ever so slowly back to Las Vegas. And now the feelings are erupting again. This time it's Emily and Jake that are leaving. And I'm caught up with such emotions. Sadness is one feeling...but it's the anger that has hit me hard this time. And I think that I know why....

Every once in a while I get angry at Tom for dying. It seems that I've spent more time scolding the air and shaking my fist at the ceiling then I ever thought possible. And if the other side can truly hear us and see us then Tom knows how very much he is missed and how very much he knows how angry I am at promises that he made to be here on these special occasions with me.

He should have been here for Emily's graduation ceremony! I told him that as I waited in traffic to get into the Thomas and Mack arena. I told him that our baby was graduating and she was going to be starting a whole new life far away. I told him how much the world is spinning out of control and how he copped out for a better life on the other side while the rest of us fight it out for survival on this side. I told him that he didn't play fair and I told him that we had made special plans years ago for when the kids graduated from college. He knew those plans. He never forgot them. He just never stayed long enough to bring them to fruition.

I talk to Tom often. But unlike all of the phone calls in the recent months, there are no words for me to hear. No laughter to cheer me. Nothing....but that dark void.

I speak to him often about all sorts of things and I've told him that he would have been proud on this special afternoon and evening. I told him how small she looked as she walked down the isle with her fellow classmates, up the stairs and waited her turn to cross that stage in a sign of completion! He would have reached for my hand and gently squeezed it to let me know that his heart was breaking too! He would have smiled at me through eyes filled with tears and yet at the same time our hearts would have been filled with pride for Emily's accomplishment. There were no words for me from him. Only an emptiness, deeper than any I have felt before.

Tom has become the air in my car, the air in the laundry room, the bedroom and the hallway. The air that I talk to and beg for answers to questions that only he would have been able to help me find answers to. There are no tappings, no flickering lights, no ghostly writing on the foggy mirror in the bathrooms. No answers to pleading questions that usually start out with the words, "Why?" or "How did this happen?" or "Tell me damn it...What should I do now?" and last but not least..."Where are you now that everyone needs you and Why won't you hear me???"

It's strange. I've tried to get my mind wrapped around this day when Emily and Jake drive away from me. Where I become smaller and smaller in their rear view mirror. My job as a parent has been done for years but this brings it all into focus once again.

Now the seconds tick louder on the clock. The minutes seem to be going faster then normal and the night grows shorter. Soon the sun will rise on a new day. A new day filled with promise and adventure for Emily and Jake will soon begin as they leave me and Las Vegas for the long ride ahead to Washington state. I wish them a safe journey and I pray for their success in whatever they set out to accomplish. I will miss them terribly.

I already do.