There's something soothing in the phrase, "out with the old and in with the new." New beginnings for each of us. A chance to change with the beginning of the new year. A time for reflection of the events that captured us and sometimes made us feel as though we were being held hostage and the review of those moments when we felt free, if only for a short while.
JANUARY 2008.... came and went without much fanfare. I was living in Susie's house on Tropicana Avenue and paying rent. Thoughts of her coming home later this year were starting to creep into my mind. It was a month of parties! Of course there were no party dresses for me to celebrate the New Year because I work in the gaming industry and "everybody" works the holiday (or else). Casino workers live in fear of getting sick, having an accident or missing work during these "peak holiday days" for fear of losing their jobs! A great way to start out a new year...isn't it? (Honestly...I've been working in the casino industry since 1986 and I've NEVER once seen it so busy that everyone had to be at work! But then again...I'll take that overtime pay anyday!!)
FEBRUARY 2008... My son celebrates his 30th birthday....and I recall those early days with his dad as we struggled to make a home and raise our new family.
MARCH 2008....A quiet month. Nothing to speak of here. Breathing in and breathing out. Looking forward to my FIRST income tax return in more than 25 years! OH NO!............Mandy and Alex are moving to Kansas!
They've bought a house! There's no changing their minds.....
APRIL 2008...All seems to be going well until the end of the month when I notice that my little girl Shitzu is getting weaker. She's been sick since she was born with liver shunt. Basically....toxins in her blood would build up and because the artery that carried the blood to her liver was not entering the liver, the toxins would keep circulating in her bloodstream. I knew that the end would be soon and I dreaded every day.
April 31st....I discovered that I was a diabetic. A shock to my senses and a wake up call about my own mortality.
MAY 2008...Morgan, my little shih Tzu, is put down. She just couldn't overcome the toxins. She was almost 2 years old. Diabetic tests, pills, training and new diet along with exercise is occupying my time. I'm afraid for the first time in my life and I realize that I won't die of diabetes but the complications from it. I've had my eyes checked, more blood tests, seen a foot doctor, walked on a treadmill and watched what I've eaten. I'm trying to stay on top of this new "wave" but feel myself occasionally being dragged into a depression. This month I celebrate my 55th birthday with one of the best times in my life! Mandy and Alex come back home for a surprise birthday bash! Emily and Jake, Brian, Tommy, and my sister Pat, her husband Bob and their granddaughter Suzy are all there! And then I am presented with one of the most beautiful gifts of all....a scrapbook of my life...a "time machine" of the past.
JUNE 2008... Summer is here. The temperatures are beginning to really climb. Brian and I are thinking about where we are going to go when Susie returns from Macau. I decide that I can not return to apartment living after being in a house for 2 years! Besides...I now have Chuckie the Chihuahua!!! Gordie was starting to pine away after losing Morgan and I was afraid that he wouldn't recover. He needed companionship! And Chuckie was perfect! Although the credit card shouldn't have seen such a drastic increase for the month...he was worth it!
This year my sister celebrated her 70th birthday! We had always talked about when she would be 70 and I would be 55 and here it was, the day had arrived. We went out for a birthday lunch with Bob, Brian and Suzy. It was fun.
It is time to start looking for a house. I contact Steve Thomsen and discuss the possibilities of me having my own house. Can I afford it? Are there special lending incentives for me to take advantage? Steve reassures me that there is something out there and begins to take me on the journey. The first house that I fall in love with just happens to be HUGE but needs much interior work. With no money for down payments and closing costs, where will I ever come up with money for paint and carpeting? I make an offer on the house, the bank counter offers and I walk away from the house. Good thing too! It was near the HOG farm! I tell Steve that I do NOT want to live in North Las Vegas. He tells me that this is where I can find some really great bargains on houses. I tell him that I don't want to live near the hog farm over and over again. It takes a while for it to sink in that I'm serious. Now begins the trips to the Hispanic neighborhoods and black neighborhoods in the areas that he tells me I can "afford" to buy a home. Brian is shocked as he escorts me to each house. I realize that my choices for a really nice house are dwindling. Brian decides that rather then having to come up with down payment money for an apartment of his own (first month, last month, security and cleaning fees....they all add up) he would like to purchase a house with me. I call Steve and tell him about our decision to purchase a house together. Steve now begins to show us properties that the two of us can afford. We make an offer on a house near my sister and brother in laws house. It is located in the same subdivision but only a much smaller home. Needless to say... this would not be the house for us. The bank accepts the other offer made over the weekend. Our spirits are beginning to sag...but I won't give up! The next day Steve tells me that he has another house in the area on Raven Creek Avenue that we can drive by and see if we'd like to take a look at it. We agree to go look at it and when we enter the house and see the laminate flooring....the vaulted ceilings in the living room, dining room and kitchen we discover that this is the house for us! Amazing!!! We make the offer on the house that day and wait.......and wait....the house has been foreclosed on by the bank and the bank is located on the east coast.
JULY 2008 ..........It's hot outside and we really start thinking about packing our things as well as going through things and throwing them away. We have soooo much to move! The bank has accepted our offer and now it's time to look forward to closing on the house. We have been told that we could close on the house in August! But Susie won't be home until October! OH no! As fate would have it....we didn't get the keys to the house until October....our first house payment due November 1st!
AUGUST 2008....Waiting and waiting to get the bank to sign off on our house so that we can get it funded! The wait is awful.
SEPTEMBER 2008... We are told that we will be closing on the house...maybe by the middle of September. Start packing! The middle of the month comes and we sign more papers. Then the end of September...and still no occupancy of our house!
OCTOBER 2008...We are homeowners! We have the keys! It's time to start moving our things from one end of town to the other. Slowly cleaning Susie's house as we move out. October 24th...the day that we shampoo her carpeting and close the house down until she returns. I put in a "last load" of clothes in our new washing machine in the new house and leave for Susies' house on the other side of town. It's 8 am....we return at 2 pm to discover that we have just lost all of the laminate flooring in our house due to a flood! The washing machine had been overflowing for 6 hours, pumping more than 9,000 gallons of water into the house. We were devastated at the destruction and what laid before us in the next few days.
One week later....I receive a phone call that Tom is dead. The color has gone completely out of my life and I wonder if I'll be able to recover.
NOVEMBER 2008....I fly to Pittsburg with my son Tom. He has just lost his dad and what I believe to be the "rudder" of his life. I am no substitute for a father. Mandy and Alex, Emily and Jake are arriving around the same time in Pittsburg. We are all so broken now. I can see it on their faces and I can sense that loss in their souls. I meet Tom's wife Linda, who is now his widow. I sense her loss and know just what a life she will be missing. I have no place among Tom's family. I have decided that after the wake I will return to my motel room. I will attend the funeral but will not attend any after funeral gatherings. I do not belong there. I am only there for my children. I pay my last respects to the best friend that I have ever had and begin the journey through the last part of my life without his presence. I miss him. I feel the cold creep into my life and know now that I am aging.
It's time to fly home. Susie will be returning from Macau in a few days. Her house looks nice and I am satisfied with leaving it in the condition that we did. All she would have to do is move her furniture back in. No cleaning.
Brian waits for me at the airport. I am glad to see him. We have much to do in the weeks to come. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I realize that this will be the first holiday without Tom. Money is so scarce right now for me but I plan a dinner for the kids thinking that they will need to be with family. I later discover that Thanksgiving dinner was at Linda's house and that what I had prepared could have been cold sandwiches. It didn't take me long to discover that none of them were hungry and just why that was so. None of them had said that they were going to be going to Linda's for Thanksgiving....
DECEMBER 2008.... Emily and Jake have moved to Washington and right before Christmas. Tommy is living with Linda or on the street. He may not live with me for several reasons. First, this is not just my house. This house also belongs to Brian. And although Brian has told me that it is okay for Tommy to live here until he can find something of his own, I have decided that Tommy needs to apologize not only to Brian for his behavior but also to me for his behavior in Pittsburg. The second reason is that his anger is out of control and his drinking is something that I will not tolerate. I lived with an alcoholic father while growing up and saw him go through recovery. I will not subject myself to alcoholism again. When Tom and I were married we had an agreement that there would be NO alcohol in the house. Tommy was the first to break that rule by bringing in bottles of beer and stashing them behind the entertainment center, behind the couch....etc.
Christmas....no tree. No presents to give or to receive. No children to celebrate the season. Only two cards. One from my sister and one from Mandy and Alex.
Christmas day Brian and I go to my sisters house for dinner.
The economy sucks.....Brian talks about closing his shop....we will lose the house because of that? How long will the casino be able to afford me? Will I get laid off? ...................
Goodbye 2008.........
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Interesting things to mention....
In a previous blog I wrote about purchasing a couple of books and a calendar. Well I just had to mention that I started reading both of them! I know that sounds crazy but one book is more like a daily almanac (hence the name "Awe-manac") and the other is one of those books that you have to read a little and either roll over and take a nap or get up and think about what you've just read for a little while. (This has always made me think that I don't know what the hell I just read!) Anyway....one of the neatest things in the Awe-manac is these little "Toasts of the Day"
I thought that I'd share the Toast of the Day for December 27th
HERE'S TO A SKY SO CLEAR THAT AT NIGHT YOU CAN SEE MORE STARS THAN SKY!
By the way....did you know how much I enjoy the night sky? I have always said that when I die, if it's at all possible, I'm going to zoom around the universe and vist those planets and places that I've dreamed about out there. And when you see a shooting star....think of me! I just might have been the one trying to get your attention to keep looking UP!
I forgot to mention in that previous blog that last night I actually got Brian to purchase a book called Conversations with my Father. It's actually a book that he will sit down and answer the questions about himself (honestly) and about his mom and dad and memories about his life and his family. I have always thought that one day when Brian passes away that Justin might just like to have something of his dad. I remember when Tom and I were married that I suggested that he sit down and write his thoughts on how things worked, his feelings about life in general and even the hard times that we had gone through and were going through. I was so glad to know that he wrote in the journals that I had bought him. And I know in my heart that it wasn't all pretty. And neither are the journals that I keep.
(Something to think about isn't it?)
Well...anyway....The toast of the day for Tomorrow December 28th is:
HERE'S TO A COMFORTABLE CHAIR; A GOOD BOOK, AND A VIEW.
Ahhhhh....my kind of toast!
I thought that I'd share the Toast of the Day for December 27th
HERE'S TO A SKY SO CLEAR THAT AT NIGHT YOU CAN SEE MORE STARS THAN SKY!
By the way....did you know how much I enjoy the night sky? I have always said that when I die, if it's at all possible, I'm going to zoom around the universe and vist those planets and places that I've dreamed about out there. And when you see a shooting star....think of me! I just might have been the one trying to get your attention to keep looking UP!
I forgot to mention in that previous blog that last night I actually got Brian to purchase a book called Conversations with my Father. It's actually a book that he will sit down and answer the questions about himself (honestly) and about his mom and dad and memories about his life and his family. I have always thought that one day when Brian passes away that Justin might just like to have something of his dad. I remember when Tom and I were married that I suggested that he sit down and write his thoughts on how things worked, his feelings about life in general and even the hard times that we had gone through and were going through. I was so glad to know that he wrote in the journals that I had bought him. And I know in my heart that it wasn't all pretty. And neither are the journals that I keep.
(Something to think about isn't it?)
Well...anyway....The toast of the day for Tomorrow December 28th is:
HERE'S TO A COMFORTABLE CHAIR; A GOOD BOOK, AND A VIEW.
Ahhhhh....my kind of toast!
I'm Addicted
What an incredible experience it is when you realize that you have an addiction! Although I've known about it for quite some time, I have to admit that it feels great to admit it out loud and on "e-paper."
As with most addictions it requires a certain amount of money and the more money that I have, the more I will give up readily for my habit. ( You can't imagine how excited I was to figure out how much I would have at the end of my paycheck with each drop in gasoline prices!! That meant I could spend that money on my addiction!)
Just yesterday I kept saying that I had to go to Office Max to get a refill for my favorite pen (which was true) but I had a hidden agenda that I wasn't going to say out loud. You see...I knew that if I was going to go to Office Max or Office Depot that my supplier would be just a few doors down and I could sneak into the store and start salivating over all of the possibilities that would help my mood (one way or another!). So...I mentioned to Brian that I had to get a refill for my pen and off we went (I think he has an addiction too but he still hasn't openly admitted it to me)to the store. I became a bit nervous when Brian decided that Office Max was right close to our house and that we were going to go there. It's off of Centennial Parkway and close to a couple of the other stores that I love to wander through....Petmart to name one of them. The problem here is that I began to get a bit nervous since Brian drove his SUV and was "in control" of which store we would be going to.
We parked the SUV and walked into Office Max. I think that we were two of maybe 10 people in the entire store and it looked like 4 of them were employees! Odd, you would think that it would have been busier on the day after Christmas! Hmmmm.....
As we walked inside the first thought was....PAPER! I like paper....notepads and stickys and highlighters and journals and calendars....and day planners and night planners and oh the end of my list isn't even in sight!!! I just love this store...bubble wrap and tubes and packaging tape....and oh all of those wonderful can't live without things in that store!! It's TRUE! Really it is....
So....I found my way to the aisle where all of the pens were displayed on their own little pegs. Oh what a delight! I LOVE pens just about as much as I LOVE PAPER so I stood just like the little kid staring into the candy store window dreaming about which one I would choose! (Now keep in mind that all I really needed was a refill for the pen that I already have but reason flew out the window as I reached for not just one pen, but a package of THREE !) Black ink, Red ink and of course Blue ink the only color that we can use at work. I quickly found the package and felt a sense of accomplishment as I walked away from the rest of the pens. (There's a sick part of me that knows that these inanimate objects "know" that I'll be back again soon! )
As with every time that Brian and I go into a store he disappears on me shortly after we enter the store. This was no exception. I can usually find him fawning over the computer monitors or the printers or the new laptops or somewhere in the electronic gadgets and I hunt him down each and every time. When I found him I told him that I was ready to go and waited for him to head towards the checkout stand.
Remember....I told you that I was a bit nervous that because he drove and was in control of where we went next that I wouldn't be able to get to my "supplier" without thinking quickly! So I said....it's about 7:15 p.m. and we have a little time before the stores close, do you want to go over to the bookstore? (Here is where little beads of perspiration would appear if this were a movie) He didn't hesitate. He said, "Sure!" (And here's where you would see me doing the "Happy Dance!") I was going to get my fix!!! I was going to be able to wander around and fondle all of the new arrivals at BARNES and NOBLE BOOKS!!!! (And I knew in my heart that before it was all over that we would be heading out the door and back to the SUV with less money then what we went into the store with!) Keeping this in mind...I didn't pause very long at each neatly stacked table of what I like to refer to as "my friends" for fear of having to break out the charge card at the check out stand.
You see.....addicts do know that we have a limit! hahaaa.....
So today I am sitting with a couple of my new "friends." I bought the hardback book....THE AWE-MANAC A Daily Dose of Wonder by Jill Badonsky which has such a whimsical cover that it will make a great table side book for any room! The book is filled with tips to energize anyone and is filled with Anti-aging potions (things that will keep you young through reading) as well as hundreds of creativity prompts for those days when you just can't think of anything to do, say or feel!
I bought a calendar for my kitchen wall. It was half price! That meant that I could take half the cost and apply that money to maybe something else in the store....Burt's bees?....itty bitty book lights...? A new jounal?...or that stuffed animal that I just know that my grandson would love (if his mom would give it to him from me)! Well as it turned out...there was another book that caught my eye and of course my hand quickly snatched it off of the shelf. It's called, READING PEOPLE by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D., and Mark Mazzarella. It was on the New York Times Best Seller list and basically it's a book on how to understand people and predict their behavior--anytime, anyplace. Now this is going to be a good read, I'm sure!
So.....I hunt down Brian again (remember he's gone his way in this store too) and tell him that it's time to go. I think he knows that by my lingering I may spend more than I have and break out a credit card so he immediately stops what he is doing and heads toward the check out stand. Of course most of the time he doesn't buy anything but makes sure that I get to the counter without grabbing anything else along the way. Sure enough.....the calendar and two books and I've spent 44.00! But what treasures I take home in a bag!
I can't wait to share them with you.....! So, if I don't answer my phone right away... call me back! After all I'll need time to get up off of the couch and answer it. You may have to ring twice for a few days (or just until I get these books read and the calendar hung on the wall!)
As with most addictions it requires a certain amount of money and the more money that I have, the more I will give up readily for my habit. ( You can't imagine how excited I was to figure out how much I would have at the end of my paycheck with each drop in gasoline prices!! That meant I could spend that money on my addiction!)
Just yesterday I kept saying that I had to go to Office Max to get a refill for my favorite pen (which was true) but I had a hidden agenda that I wasn't going to say out loud. You see...I knew that if I was going to go to Office Max or Office Depot that my supplier would be just a few doors down and I could sneak into the store and start salivating over all of the possibilities that would help my mood (one way or another!). So...I mentioned to Brian that I had to get a refill for my pen and off we went (I think he has an addiction too but he still hasn't openly admitted it to me)to the store. I became a bit nervous when Brian decided that Office Max was right close to our house and that we were going to go there. It's off of Centennial Parkway and close to a couple of the other stores that I love to wander through....Petmart to name one of them. The problem here is that I began to get a bit nervous since Brian drove his SUV and was "in control" of which store we would be going to.
We parked the SUV and walked into Office Max. I think that we were two of maybe 10 people in the entire store and it looked like 4 of them were employees! Odd, you would think that it would have been busier on the day after Christmas! Hmmmm.....
As we walked inside the first thought was....PAPER! I like paper....notepads and stickys and highlighters and journals and calendars....and day planners and night planners and oh the end of my list isn't even in sight!!! I just love this store...bubble wrap and tubes and packaging tape....and oh all of those wonderful can't live without things in that store!! It's TRUE! Really it is....
So....I found my way to the aisle where all of the pens were displayed on their own little pegs. Oh what a delight! I LOVE pens just about as much as I LOVE PAPER so I stood just like the little kid staring into the candy store window dreaming about which one I would choose! (Now keep in mind that all I really needed was a refill for the pen that I already have but reason flew out the window as I reached for not just one pen, but a package of THREE !) Black ink, Red ink and of course Blue ink the only color that we can use at work. I quickly found the package and felt a sense of accomplishment as I walked away from the rest of the pens. (There's a sick part of me that knows that these inanimate objects "know" that I'll be back again soon! )
As with every time that Brian and I go into a store he disappears on me shortly after we enter the store. This was no exception. I can usually find him fawning over the computer monitors or the printers or the new laptops or somewhere in the electronic gadgets and I hunt him down each and every time. When I found him I told him that I was ready to go and waited for him to head towards the checkout stand.
Remember....I told you that I was a bit nervous that because he drove and was in control of where we went next that I wouldn't be able to get to my "supplier" without thinking quickly! So I said....it's about 7:15 p.m. and we have a little time before the stores close, do you want to go over to the bookstore? (Here is where little beads of perspiration would appear if this were a movie) He didn't hesitate. He said, "Sure!" (And here's where you would see me doing the "Happy Dance!") I was going to get my fix!!! I was going to be able to wander around and fondle all of the new arrivals at BARNES and NOBLE BOOKS!!!! (And I knew in my heart that before it was all over that we would be heading out the door and back to the SUV with less money then what we went into the store with!) Keeping this in mind...I didn't pause very long at each neatly stacked table of what I like to refer to as "my friends" for fear of having to break out the charge card at the check out stand.
You see.....addicts do know that we have a limit! hahaaa.....
So today I am sitting with a couple of my new "friends." I bought the hardback book....THE AWE-MANAC A Daily Dose of Wonder by Jill Badonsky which has such a whimsical cover that it will make a great table side book for any room! The book is filled with tips to energize anyone and is filled with Anti-aging potions (things that will keep you young through reading) as well as hundreds of creativity prompts for those days when you just can't think of anything to do, say or feel!
I bought a calendar for my kitchen wall. It was half price! That meant that I could take half the cost and apply that money to maybe something else in the store....Burt's bees?....itty bitty book lights...? A new jounal?...or that stuffed animal that I just know that my grandson would love (if his mom would give it to him from me)! Well as it turned out...there was another book that caught my eye and of course my hand quickly snatched it off of the shelf. It's called, READING PEOPLE by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D., and Mark Mazzarella. It was on the New York Times Best Seller list and basically it's a book on how to understand people and predict their behavior--anytime, anyplace. Now this is going to be a good read, I'm sure!
So.....I hunt down Brian again (remember he's gone his way in this store too) and tell him that it's time to go. I think he knows that by my lingering I may spend more than I have and break out a credit card so he immediately stops what he is doing and heads toward the check out stand. Of course most of the time he doesn't buy anything but makes sure that I get to the counter without grabbing anything else along the way. Sure enough.....the calendar and two books and I've spent 44.00! But what treasures I take home in a bag!
I can't wait to share them with you.....! So, if I don't answer my phone right away... call me back! After all I'll need time to get up off of the couch and answer it. You may have to ring twice for a few days (or just until I get these books read and the calendar hung on the wall!)
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
It's that time again....
Well....it's happened. Again.
I was wondering just how long it would be before it would return to grace the shelves of my refrigerator and of course I'm wondering how long it will stay until it fades away once more.
What am I talking about? It's that stuff you either loved as a kid or were totally turned off by it. Give up...? Need another clue...? Ok it wiggles on your plate and it comes in colors. Mine just happens to be orange and it is sugar free! (Oh the joy it brings to someone watching their weight or for those of us who have to watch all of those crazy sugary things lurking on the shelves at the grocery store!)
Ok...I know you guessed it. It's Jell-O! And do I spell it that way? Or is it okay if I spell it Jello, or jello (without that capital letter J)?
I was thinking that it's been YEARS since I've made the stuff and I've had it in my pantry off and on for years! I just never really made the stuff.
Now don't ask me why yesterday I decided to actually take it down from the shelf, tear open the little box and stare at the package thinking..."I wonder if this stuff is any good?" So...I boiled the water (easy) added that to the magical jello concoction and stirred it furiously. I think I liked making the orange "tornado" in the bowl and really don't know how long I had been stirring it when I seemed to snap out of the tornado frenzy with enough time to add the cold water and begin to stir it al over again! Oh what fun! (And some people think that I don't have a life!!) Anyway...now that the cold water had been added to the hot water that I stirred until it was probably just warm water it was time to find the perfect serving bowl that this stuff could get hard in. I grabbed one bowl out of the cabinet and quickly realized that although it was pretty and would make a nice serving bowl, it belonged to the dogs. Something about that made me decide that perhaps another bowl would be better. But...it had to be just the right size. I had thought about pouring the sticky concoction into a 11 x 14 glass lasagna pan but then thought that this was just a small box of jello and it would probably only be about 1/2 inch deep in the pan if I did that. Hmm...I needed something a little bit smaller and maybe a little bit more square! After about 20 minutes of going through one cabinet after another it occurred to me that I hadn't brought in all of my dishes and pots and pans from the garage yet! So....out to the garage I went and stared at the mountain of boxes that Brian had so neatly arranged on one side of the garage (the side away from the hot water heater that he feels is about ready to blow like Mt. St. Helens just because it's probably 8 years old). Ok...I found the box, unpacked it and brought in one of my favorite Corning Ware treasures! A quick wash in the sink, a quicker dry with the towel and soon it was filled with that orange liquid that by now I was just tempted to drink instead of going through all of the trouble of clearing a spot in the refrigerator so that it would "set up."
Well....after "dessert" was made I figured that now I had to get busy and find something to go before it. Brian would be home in a short while and the box said that it needed about 4 hours to set up in the refrigerator. So...back to the freezer this time to stare into it to see what magically wanted to jump into my hands to be offered up as dinner. I tossed out a few things that were getting freezer burn, found 2 freezer pops (for later) a more than 1/2 eaten tub of chocolate "sugar free" looks like ice cream but tastes like paste stuff that is supposed to make diabetic people squirm and giggle with delight! (oh sure....) I discovered that Brian must have had a bad morning because the breakfast cereal (Raisn Bran) was in the freezer with a chip clip across the top of the bag. I'd mention it to him but I bet that the story behind it would be longer then the time it would take me to defrost the bag of cereal and sit down and eat the rest of it. Anyway...I finally agreed that the chicken breasts had to be sacrificed for our dinner and that I would smother it with a can of mushroom soup (to hide the size of the chicken breasts).... Also that new bag of frozen aspargus spears that boasted a new "glaze" sauce to enhance the taste of the asparagus! (Geeze what was I thinking when I bought this stuff?) And of course I had to have some kind of pasta with this so I chose Mac and Cheese (for the 5 year old screaming inside of me for those little pinwheel shapes!) According to the box I could have about 10 little pinwheels before falling prey to a diabetic coma. (It was worth it!)
Brian was a bit surprised when he came home and found dinner cooking. I was tempted to call out another man's name and say something like, "Phillip? Is that you?" But I thought I had better not play with the man after the last few days that he's had.
Dinner was wolfed down quickly and I asked him if he would like dessert. His eyes lit up like the Christmas tree as he quickly said, "Sure!" But I noticed that they dimmed a bit when he saw that it was "just jell-o."
So....I squirted some whipped cream on the top of his jell-o and handed it to him like it had taken all day to prepare and stood back to watch his reaction. He was gracious enough to say..."This is good!" (I'm sure he was talking about the whipped cream on top of the orange stuff!)
And now you know why it will probably be another 15 years before the jello gets made again!
I was wondering just how long it would be before it would return to grace the shelves of my refrigerator and of course I'm wondering how long it will stay until it fades away once more.
What am I talking about? It's that stuff you either loved as a kid or were totally turned off by it. Give up...? Need another clue...? Ok it wiggles on your plate and it comes in colors. Mine just happens to be orange and it is sugar free! (Oh the joy it brings to someone watching their weight or for those of us who have to watch all of those crazy sugary things lurking on the shelves at the grocery store!)
Ok...I know you guessed it. It's Jell-O! And do I spell it that way? Or is it okay if I spell it Jello, or jello (without that capital letter J)?
I was thinking that it's been YEARS since I've made the stuff and I've had it in my pantry off and on for years! I just never really made the stuff.
Now don't ask me why yesterday I decided to actually take it down from the shelf, tear open the little box and stare at the package thinking..."I wonder if this stuff is any good?" So...I boiled the water (easy) added that to the magical jello concoction and stirred it furiously. I think I liked making the orange "tornado" in the bowl and really don't know how long I had been stirring it when I seemed to snap out of the tornado frenzy with enough time to add the cold water and begin to stir it al over again! Oh what fun! (And some people think that I don't have a life!!) Anyway...now that the cold water had been added to the hot water that I stirred until it was probably just warm water it was time to find the perfect serving bowl that this stuff could get hard in. I grabbed one bowl out of the cabinet and quickly realized that although it was pretty and would make a nice serving bowl, it belonged to the dogs. Something about that made me decide that perhaps another bowl would be better. But...it had to be just the right size. I had thought about pouring the sticky concoction into a 11 x 14 glass lasagna pan but then thought that this was just a small box of jello and it would probably only be about 1/2 inch deep in the pan if I did that. Hmm...I needed something a little bit smaller and maybe a little bit more square! After about 20 minutes of going through one cabinet after another it occurred to me that I hadn't brought in all of my dishes and pots and pans from the garage yet! So....out to the garage I went and stared at the mountain of boxes that Brian had so neatly arranged on one side of the garage (the side away from the hot water heater that he feels is about ready to blow like Mt. St. Helens just because it's probably 8 years old). Ok...I found the box, unpacked it and brought in one of my favorite Corning Ware treasures! A quick wash in the sink, a quicker dry with the towel and soon it was filled with that orange liquid that by now I was just tempted to drink instead of going through all of the trouble of clearing a spot in the refrigerator so that it would "set up."
Well....after "dessert" was made I figured that now I had to get busy and find something to go before it. Brian would be home in a short while and the box said that it needed about 4 hours to set up in the refrigerator. So...back to the freezer this time to stare into it to see what magically wanted to jump into my hands to be offered up as dinner. I tossed out a few things that were getting freezer burn, found 2 freezer pops (for later) a more than 1/2 eaten tub of chocolate "sugar free" looks like ice cream but tastes like paste stuff that is supposed to make diabetic people squirm and giggle with delight! (oh sure....) I discovered that Brian must have had a bad morning because the breakfast cereal (Raisn Bran) was in the freezer with a chip clip across the top of the bag. I'd mention it to him but I bet that the story behind it would be longer then the time it would take me to defrost the bag of cereal and sit down and eat the rest of it. Anyway...I finally agreed that the chicken breasts had to be sacrificed for our dinner and that I would smother it with a can of mushroom soup (to hide the size of the chicken breasts).... Also that new bag of frozen aspargus spears that boasted a new "glaze" sauce to enhance the taste of the asparagus! (Geeze what was I thinking when I bought this stuff?) And of course I had to have some kind of pasta with this so I chose Mac and Cheese (for the 5 year old screaming inside of me for those little pinwheel shapes!) According to the box I could have about 10 little pinwheels before falling prey to a diabetic coma. (It was worth it!)
Brian was a bit surprised when he came home and found dinner cooking. I was tempted to call out another man's name and say something like, "Phillip? Is that you?" But I thought I had better not play with the man after the last few days that he's had.
Dinner was wolfed down quickly and I asked him if he would like dessert. His eyes lit up like the Christmas tree as he quickly said, "Sure!" But I noticed that they dimmed a bit when he saw that it was "just jell-o."
So....I squirted some whipped cream on the top of his jell-o and handed it to him like it had taken all day to prepare and stood back to watch his reaction. He was gracious enough to say..."This is good!" (I'm sure he was talking about the whipped cream on top of the orange stuff!)
And now you know why it will probably be another 15 years before the jello gets made again!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Afternoon thoughts and feelings
Today it's a bit windy and wintery cold outside. The windchimes on my patio are getting a little workout and the sound of them makes me feel happy. I have always loved windchimes and no matter what they look like or how inexpensive (or expensive) I'll hang them up and sit outside and enjoy them.
I was looking around the house today in an effort to make a list of the "to do" things that really need to be tackled. I noticed that my garbage disposal wasn't working last week and when Jake and Emily were here, Jake looked at it with Brian to see if it could be fixed. It's as old as the house and probably under-rated for a disposal. I'll need to purchase another one and do it soon!
The insurance money should be in our account at the end of December which means that we will be making one final pass through the tile departments to make sure that we picked out the one that we like the best. Then it's a phone call to the man that will be doing the installation to set up a start time. I'm soooo excited to get this show started! It's been since October 24th that our new house has been torn up. We really never got to move into the house totally when the flood occurred. I will be putting in new tile in the laundry room, and hallway closets, and the two bathrooms. The carpeting will come last and that is going to be soooooo awesome on our feet! (I'm laughing here because the carpeting in the master bedroom and the little front bedroom (off of the living room) doesn't have any padding underneath it. My bedroom (the one in the front of the house) only has a partial pad underneath it (that's where the cleaning crew had to rip it out because it was getting wet too!) Thank heavens that the water didn't get up to the bed because underneath my bed is storage of all sorts of treasures!
Anyway...I'm starting to feel a bit excited over getting it all put together.
Now I'm going to continue to pray that Brian can manage to either keep a few accounts from going to someone else, or if he should have to close his shop like he spoke about the other day, that he will be able to get another job that will support him and allow him to make his 1/2 of the mortgage payment and bills of this house.
I haven't heard anything from Tommy since he mentioned that he needed a place to stay when Emily and Jake asked him to leave their home. He knows that he has apologies to make and a lifestyle to change before he will be able to live with me. Until then he has found a bed in Linda's house.
Do I feel good that Linda has taken my son in and kept him out of the cold...? Yes I do. But I also feel it's just one more slap in the face from one of my children that he would choose the easy way out of a bad situation.
Am I a bit angry about him living with his stepmother? I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't. He should be taking care of his own mother and not disrespecting me. You know...I read the blogs here and I see the love that the girls had for their dad and the honor that their blogs have paid him. What I don't see is one word about me. Not even an honorable mention that I even attended their dad's wake and funeral to be with them, to give them support and to show my respect for their dad too.
Is it a sick sense of jealousy that I can see the love that they had for Tom and none for me? Do I feel it intensify when I hear that Tommy is living with his stepmother rather than his mother or even one of his friends? You bet I do. Will it ever get better between Tommy and myself? Not until he grows up and learns to be responsible for himself, his wife and his child. Not until he completely stops drinking and gets his life under control. Not until he seeks help from someone who is a professional and impartial person that will help him get back on track. Tommy won't listen to me. He won't allow me to help him. He won't take my advice and he's filled with anger...rage! We can't even have a civil conversation without him blowing up and dumping his bad behavior all over me. His behavior towards me at the motel in Perryopolis in front of the rest of my family will be something that I will NEVER forget. I will also NEVER forget that there wasn't one person in that room that stopped him from saying the harmful things that he was saying to me during my time of grief.
However I will say one thing that I've observed about Tommy.....it's okay to let your mom pay your way so that you can get to your dad's funeral and back home and it's okay for your aunt to pay for your wife and your child to attend the funeral, and it's okay to ask your mom to bail you out for the child support that you don't have to make a payment because you spent it with your friends at a club or a casino or at the liquor store....but it's not okay to say, "Mom, I'm really sorry for my behavior in Pennsylvania and I didn't mean to say the things that I said. I also didn't mean to call Brian "a piece of shit" and then ask him to help complete Emily's dresser that his dad was building for her. It is okay to stay at your stepmom's house, eat her food, drink her beverages and have bad personal hygiene.
Re-reading what I just wrote......it's good that he isn't here with me under all of these open wounds. It will be up to him to mature, to become "1/10th the man his father was" and to step up to the plate and do the right thing.
I was looking around the house today in an effort to make a list of the "to do" things that really need to be tackled. I noticed that my garbage disposal wasn't working last week and when Jake and Emily were here, Jake looked at it with Brian to see if it could be fixed. It's as old as the house and probably under-rated for a disposal. I'll need to purchase another one and do it soon!
The insurance money should be in our account at the end of December which means that we will be making one final pass through the tile departments to make sure that we picked out the one that we like the best. Then it's a phone call to the man that will be doing the installation to set up a start time. I'm soooo excited to get this show started! It's been since October 24th that our new house has been torn up. We really never got to move into the house totally when the flood occurred. I will be putting in new tile in the laundry room, and hallway closets, and the two bathrooms. The carpeting will come last and that is going to be soooooo awesome on our feet! (I'm laughing here because the carpeting in the master bedroom and the little front bedroom (off of the living room) doesn't have any padding underneath it. My bedroom (the one in the front of the house) only has a partial pad underneath it (that's where the cleaning crew had to rip it out because it was getting wet too!) Thank heavens that the water didn't get up to the bed because underneath my bed is storage of all sorts of treasures!
Anyway...I'm starting to feel a bit excited over getting it all put together.
Now I'm going to continue to pray that Brian can manage to either keep a few accounts from going to someone else, or if he should have to close his shop like he spoke about the other day, that he will be able to get another job that will support him and allow him to make his 1/2 of the mortgage payment and bills of this house.
I haven't heard anything from Tommy since he mentioned that he needed a place to stay when Emily and Jake asked him to leave their home. He knows that he has apologies to make and a lifestyle to change before he will be able to live with me. Until then he has found a bed in Linda's house.
Do I feel good that Linda has taken my son in and kept him out of the cold...? Yes I do. But I also feel it's just one more slap in the face from one of my children that he would choose the easy way out of a bad situation.
Am I a bit angry about him living with his stepmother? I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't. He should be taking care of his own mother and not disrespecting me. You know...I read the blogs here and I see the love that the girls had for their dad and the honor that their blogs have paid him. What I don't see is one word about me. Not even an honorable mention that I even attended their dad's wake and funeral to be with them, to give them support and to show my respect for their dad too.
Is it a sick sense of jealousy that I can see the love that they had for Tom and none for me? Do I feel it intensify when I hear that Tommy is living with his stepmother rather than his mother or even one of his friends? You bet I do. Will it ever get better between Tommy and myself? Not until he grows up and learns to be responsible for himself, his wife and his child. Not until he completely stops drinking and gets his life under control. Not until he seeks help from someone who is a professional and impartial person that will help him get back on track. Tommy won't listen to me. He won't allow me to help him. He won't take my advice and he's filled with anger...rage! We can't even have a civil conversation without him blowing up and dumping his bad behavior all over me. His behavior towards me at the motel in Perryopolis in front of the rest of my family will be something that I will NEVER forget. I will also NEVER forget that there wasn't one person in that room that stopped him from saying the harmful things that he was saying to me during my time of grief.
However I will say one thing that I've observed about Tommy.....it's okay to let your mom pay your way so that you can get to your dad's funeral and back home and it's okay for your aunt to pay for your wife and your child to attend the funeral, and it's okay to ask your mom to bail you out for the child support that you don't have to make a payment because you spent it with your friends at a club or a casino or at the liquor store....but it's not okay to say, "Mom, I'm really sorry for my behavior in Pennsylvania and I didn't mean to say the things that I said. I also didn't mean to call Brian "a piece of shit" and then ask him to help complete Emily's dresser that his dad was building for her. It is okay to stay at your stepmom's house, eat her food, drink her beverages and have bad personal hygiene.
Re-reading what I just wrote......it's good that he isn't here with me under all of these open wounds. It will be up to him to mature, to become "1/10th the man his father was" and to step up to the plate and do the right thing.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Troubled Times
Just yesterday Brian called me on the telephone to tell me that one of the companies that he sells his cabinets to will now be purchasing from another vendor. He was crushed. I could sense it in his voice and as I listened I also discovered a sense of pleading. The full impact of what he was telling me didn't really hit me until I had hung up the telephone. That's when I realized that I wouldn't be able to come up with his half of the mortgage payment and also pay the bills to keep us afloat.
My first reaction.......shock! (only because I kept my head in the sand thinking that the economy would never really affect US. Why that only happened to those OTHER people!! By the way...don't take this attitude because nothing could be farther (is that a word?) from the truth, and when it happens...well, you just won't feel so stupid and unprepared)
So...the second reaction was probably what I have done best my entire life...
I cried. But I cried alone and I felt awful. Awful for me, for the dogs, for the house, and of course for Brian. I immediately went to my checkbook and my pile of bills and started to crunch numbers.
Normally none of this would really phase me if I was in my 30's or my 40's but midway into my 50's, well that's a different story! My body and mind doesn't respond as it once did to stress. Perhaps it has a bit to do with age or the aging process. What I would have done in my 30's would be to just go out and find a part time job! And trust me...I haven't ruled this out for myself as of yet. I'm just trying to figure out the timing of working all night at one job 5 days a week, coming home and sleeping (figuring out how much I really need to stay healthy) and then finding a job that will allow me to work a few hours each day. I did this right after 9/11 and worked for a little over 4 years at two jobs. It wasn't pretty....but I was living on my own and was scared to be put out of my apartment at the time.
Fear is a great motivator....(more on that in a future blog)
So....Brian came home from work yesterday and he was wrought with despair at the idea of closing his shop at the end of the month. I know that he wants to fight to stay open. I know that he will pour over his price lists and cut this and that to get the orders coming in... I know this. But the one thing that I also know is that the companies that he will sell those cabinets to will NOT lower their prices to keep a steady flow of orders coming to him. They will jack up their prices and make a huge profit and then he will scratch his head and ask, "Why?"
So for now....I'm going to keep crunching numbers. I'm going to pray really hard and long so that I may keep my job at Wynn LV/Encore and I'm also going to look for a second job.
For those of you who actually read these blogs of mine, would you mind stopping right now, bowing your head and asking God if he will guide and direct us and to PLEASE help us to maintain this house and be good stewards of what he has given us???
Thanks.....I know that without His help.....we all have absolutely nothing.
My first reaction.......shock! (only because I kept my head in the sand thinking that the economy would never really affect US. Why that only happened to those OTHER people!! By the way...don't take this attitude because nothing could be farther (is that a word?) from the truth, and when it happens...well, you just won't feel so stupid and unprepared)
So...the second reaction was probably what I have done best my entire life...
I cried. But I cried alone and I felt awful. Awful for me, for the dogs, for the house, and of course for Brian. I immediately went to my checkbook and my pile of bills and started to crunch numbers.
Normally none of this would really phase me if I was in my 30's or my 40's but midway into my 50's, well that's a different story! My body and mind doesn't respond as it once did to stress. Perhaps it has a bit to do with age or the aging process. What I would have done in my 30's would be to just go out and find a part time job! And trust me...I haven't ruled this out for myself as of yet. I'm just trying to figure out the timing of working all night at one job 5 days a week, coming home and sleeping (figuring out how much I really need to stay healthy) and then finding a job that will allow me to work a few hours each day. I did this right after 9/11 and worked for a little over 4 years at two jobs. It wasn't pretty....but I was living on my own and was scared to be put out of my apartment at the time.
Fear is a great motivator....(more on that in a future blog)
So....Brian came home from work yesterday and he was wrought with despair at the idea of closing his shop at the end of the month. I know that he wants to fight to stay open. I know that he will pour over his price lists and cut this and that to get the orders coming in... I know this. But the one thing that I also know is that the companies that he will sell those cabinets to will NOT lower their prices to keep a steady flow of orders coming to him. They will jack up their prices and make a huge profit and then he will scratch his head and ask, "Why?"
So for now....I'm going to keep crunching numbers. I'm going to pray really hard and long so that I may keep my job at Wynn LV/Encore and I'm also going to look for a second job.
For those of you who actually read these blogs of mine, would you mind stopping right now, bowing your head and asking God if he will guide and direct us and to PLEASE help us to maintain this house and be good stewards of what he has given us???
Thanks.....I know that without His help.....we all have absolutely nothing.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Cute as a little doll....
Here he is. My grandson. His name is Thomas Morgan and he is precious! The last time that I saw him he was only 3 weeks old. I was able to hold him and kiss him then. This time when I saw him he was 19 months old and he was afraid of his Grandma Margie. It broke my heart to only be able to see him from across the room, but I didn't want him to be scared anymore than he already was. This photo was taken of him at his Grandpa Tom Harris's funeral, held during the first week of November 2008. It's a shame that Tommy won't be able to know his Grandpa Harris. He was quite a man.
Some day in the future I'll tell Tommy all about the man that loved his first grandson named Thomas. Some day there will be many things that I'll share with him. I just pray that he will always want to know about his Grandpa and Grandma who loved him from afar.
IT's a Pretty shade of Blue....
The GREAT flood of 2008 occurred on October 24th. Brian and I had gone over to Susie's house about 8 am to finish up our cleaning and moving the last things out of her house. We had to be there for the Salvation Army pickup truck that was given my dining room table and 6 chairs. The Stanley Steamer Carpet Cleaners were going to be there also. As all progressed nicely at Susie's house, our new house was being flooded with 9,000 gallons of water from a malfunctioning washing machine. My words before Brian and I left that morning were, "I've only one load of clothes to do and I'm going to throw them in before we leave." I did. The washing machine failed to shut off and water ran over the top of the machine from approximately 8 am to a little after 2 pm. When we got home Brian said to me..."Well we lost the floor!" I thought that he meant that one of the dogs had pee'd on the floor and that was his way of telling me that I had something to clean. I had NO clue what I was about to see when I entered the house through the garage! 2 inches of water everywhere that I looked! Our brand new wood flooring was ruined. The cleanup began.........and it seems to have lasted for a very very long time.Brian painted the living room wall. I painted the small family room off of the living room. We still have baseboards and more painting to do. We are now going to deposit the check from the insurance company and begin the flooring repair project. I can't wait to have a new tile floor throughout the house (except the bedrooms).
My Dad loved yellow
This is a rose bush that Brian planted for me while we were living at Susie's house. And I can't help but remember every yellow flower that my mother planted when I was a kid, that she would say to me, "Yellow is your daddy's favorite color." She would smile as she dug around in the black Indiana dirt, tending her pretty flowers.
Life was good then. Oh so good.
And now she's leaving too.....
It's 3:26 a.m. here in Las Vegas, Nevada and everyone is asleep but me.
I'm feeling a sense of deep sadness and at the same time a sense of completion. A beginning for yet another child of mine, and an ending to a part of parenting that only those who have experienced this loss can possibly comprehend. All of these deep feelings that are surfacing are causing such turmoil within my very soul. It was only a few short months ago that Mandy and Alex moved away to begin their new life in Wichita, Kansas. I remember those feelings as Brian and I drove to Flagstaff in an attempt to catch up to them, for maybe a lunch or even just one more hug. I remember how hot my tears felt as they streamed down my face, knowing that my "baby" was all grown up and had left me home alone. I stared down the highway in an attempt to will them back to Las Vegas but after a few minutes I realized that they weren't coming back. Brian turned the car around and we seemed to drive ever so slowly back to Las Vegas. And now the feelings are erupting again. This time it's Emily and Jake that are leaving. And I'm caught up with such emotions. Sadness is one feeling...but it's the anger that has hit me hard this time. And I think that I know why....
Every once in a while I get angry at Tom for dying. It seems that I've spent more time scolding the air and shaking my fist at the ceiling then I ever thought possible. And if the other side can truly hear us and see us then Tom knows how very much he is missed and how very much he knows how angry I am at promises that he made to be here on these special occasions with me.
He should have been here for Emily's graduation ceremony! I told him that as I waited in traffic to get into the Thomas and Mack arena. I told him that our baby was graduating and she was going to be starting a whole new life far away. I told him how much the world is spinning out of control and how he copped out for a better life on the other side while the rest of us fight it out for survival on this side. I told him that he didn't play fair and I told him that we had made special plans years ago for when the kids graduated from college. He knew those plans. He never forgot them. He just never stayed long enough to bring them to fruition.
I talk to Tom often. But unlike all of the phone calls in the recent months, there are no words for me to hear. No laughter to cheer me. Nothing....but that dark void.
I speak to him often about all sorts of things and I've told him that he would have been proud on this special afternoon and evening. I told him how small she looked as she walked down the isle with her fellow classmates, up the stairs and waited her turn to cross that stage in a sign of completion! He would have reached for my hand and gently squeezed it to let me know that his heart was breaking too! He would have smiled at me through eyes filled with tears and yet at the same time our hearts would have been filled with pride for Emily's accomplishment. There were no words for me from him. Only an emptiness, deeper than any I have felt before.
Tom has become the air in my car, the air in the laundry room, the bedroom and the hallway. The air that I talk to and beg for answers to questions that only he would have been able to help me find answers to. There are no tappings, no flickering lights, no ghostly writing on the foggy mirror in the bathrooms. No answers to pleading questions that usually start out with the words, "Why?" or "How did this happen?" or "Tell me damn it...What should I do now?" and last but not least..."Where are you now that everyone needs you and Why won't you hear me???"
It's strange. I've tried to get my mind wrapped around this day when Emily and Jake drive away from me. Where I become smaller and smaller in their rear view mirror. My job as a parent has been done for years but this brings it all into focus once again.
Now the seconds tick louder on the clock. The minutes seem to be going faster then normal and the night grows shorter. Soon the sun will rise on a new day. A new day filled with promise and adventure for Emily and Jake will soon begin as they leave me and Las Vegas for the long ride ahead to Washington state. I wish them a safe journey and I pray for their success in whatever they set out to accomplish. I will miss them terribly.
I already do.
I'm feeling a sense of deep sadness and at the same time a sense of completion. A beginning for yet another child of mine, and an ending to a part of parenting that only those who have experienced this loss can possibly comprehend. All of these deep feelings that are surfacing are causing such turmoil within my very soul. It was only a few short months ago that Mandy and Alex moved away to begin their new life in Wichita, Kansas. I remember those feelings as Brian and I drove to Flagstaff in an attempt to catch up to them, for maybe a lunch or even just one more hug. I remember how hot my tears felt as they streamed down my face, knowing that my "baby" was all grown up and had left me home alone. I stared down the highway in an attempt to will them back to Las Vegas but after a few minutes I realized that they weren't coming back. Brian turned the car around and we seemed to drive ever so slowly back to Las Vegas. And now the feelings are erupting again. This time it's Emily and Jake that are leaving. And I'm caught up with such emotions. Sadness is one feeling...but it's the anger that has hit me hard this time. And I think that I know why....
Every once in a while I get angry at Tom for dying. It seems that I've spent more time scolding the air and shaking my fist at the ceiling then I ever thought possible. And if the other side can truly hear us and see us then Tom knows how very much he is missed and how very much he knows how angry I am at promises that he made to be here on these special occasions with me.
He should have been here for Emily's graduation ceremony! I told him that as I waited in traffic to get into the Thomas and Mack arena. I told him that our baby was graduating and she was going to be starting a whole new life far away. I told him how much the world is spinning out of control and how he copped out for a better life on the other side while the rest of us fight it out for survival on this side. I told him that he didn't play fair and I told him that we had made special plans years ago for when the kids graduated from college. He knew those plans. He never forgot them. He just never stayed long enough to bring them to fruition.
I talk to Tom often. But unlike all of the phone calls in the recent months, there are no words for me to hear. No laughter to cheer me. Nothing....but that dark void.
I speak to him often about all sorts of things and I've told him that he would have been proud on this special afternoon and evening. I told him how small she looked as she walked down the isle with her fellow classmates, up the stairs and waited her turn to cross that stage in a sign of completion! He would have reached for my hand and gently squeezed it to let me know that his heart was breaking too! He would have smiled at me through eyes filled with tears and yet at the same time our hearts would have been filled with pride for Emily's accomplishment. There were no words for me from him. Only an emptiness, deeper than any I have felt before.
Tom has become the air in my car, the air in the laundry room, the bedroom and the hallway. The air that I talk to and beg for answers to questions that only he would have been able to help me find answers to. There are no tappings, no flickering lights, no ghostly writing on the foggy mirror in the bathrooms. No answers to pleading questions that usually start out with the words, "Why?" or "How did this happen?" or "Tell me damn it...What should I do now?" and last but not least..."Where are you now that everyone needs you and Why won't you hear me???"
It's strange. I've tried to get my mind wrapped around this day when Emily and Jake drive away from me. Where I become smaller and smaller in their rear view mirror. My job as a parent has been done for years but this brings it all into focus once again.
Now the seconds tick louder on the clock. The minutes seem to be going faster then normal and the night grows shorter. Soon the sun will rise on a new day. A new day filled with promise and adventure for Emily and Jake will soon begin as they leave me and Las Vegas for the long ride ahead to Washington state. I wish them a safe journey and I pray for their success in whatever they set out to accomplish. I will miss them terribly.
I already do.
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