A NEW DIMENSION...A NEW ERA....sigh.....

I'm entering another dimension in my life. I'm going to have my teeth extracted on November 12th (if the cardiologist says I'm fit) and start wearing dentures. I am oh so not ready for this next stage of life to begin.

I'm really feeling awful because I have nobody in my life to share this with. I have nobody in my family who has dentures, that's still alive.

I'm tired of the jokes as much as someone who can't have children is told, "You wouldn't want a little brat in this economy anyway!"

I'm trying to put on the big girl panties and stop feeling so horrible...but the anxiety is increasing daily.

It's a cool but wonderful Spring this year!

I've reached my saturation point once again. It happens approximately every 11 months. I'm getting much better because when I was younger (in my 20's and my 30's) it would occur about every 4 to six months! Like a sponge...you can only hold soooo much and then its time to squeeze it all out and start collecting again.

I've reached my saturation point on many things. I'll just name a few but not in any particular order. All of them piss me off.......all of them I find offensive.......

1. oil in the ocean....polluting beaches and marsh lands....killing wild things that depend on clean areas to nest and rebirth. (we give so damn little to this planet that it makes me ill to think that I'm part of the human race)
2. boycotting (does that have one t or two?) Arizona because they want to enforce laws prohibiting ILLEGAL HUMANS (humans that are citizens of another country) from entering this country without the proper paperwork. Example...work visa, passport, etc.) PLEASE please don't give me that liberal bullshit about how they just want a NICE place to live and to work and how they dont want to suffer under the governing bodies in their own country! Tell THEM to stand firm and fucking change their government so that they can live in peace in their own country! And while you're at it...tell them it's NOT all right to sneak across the border and take up living in this country. Tell them that we welcome them ONLY if they apply for citizenship in this country and also tell them to TRY to learn English. It is a language that is spoken here in the United States.
3. DEMOCRATS vs REPUBLICANS.....I am soooo tired of the bullshit bantering back and forth and I am REALLLLY tired of hearing George Bush and Dick Cheney mentioned. What is it a bad news day that you can't talk about that piece of work that lives in the White House and who has TOTALLY FUCKED UP THIS COUNTRY!! Let's talk about the change that he has made....how's it working for you so far??? Can you tell me anything that this creepy monster has accomplished??? Geeze....how could you ever say that you voted for this guy without expecting the person you're talking to, spit in your face!!!
But just wait.....it's going to get better.
I'd worry a bit if they tell you that you're going to have to get on this train to relocate to areas that need workers. There just might be a crematorium at the end of that train ride for you and your friends and family who need those new jobs.
Yes, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of the shit that is happening in the economy. And not one of you knows any more than I do about what is really happening in this country, so stop pretending that you're smart and that you have answers. You dont.
4. I'm tired of the economy being held over my head as a means to keep my wages so low that I cant plan a vacation, can't save a damn dime, and that that the quality of my life absolutely sucks.
5. I'm tired of insurance companies telling me which drugs I can now have and that my doctor will have to petition them and prove that I need the drug that he prescribed in the first place! Who the fuck are these people making these decisions!! They don't even know me!! Do they even know my doctor????

I could go on and on and I just might do that at the risk of offending anyone else who reads this shitty website that holds other people's stupid and often assinine thoughts about life. But for now...I'll go sit outside on the patio and think about all the people in my life that mention me on their blogs......and all of those who couldn't give a shit less if I ever am mentioned.

THE DEATH OF A COWORKER....

I'm pissed off today. I just don't understand the world around me any longer.
Yesterday morning, before I left work, one of the dayshift cashiers came into the cage and told me that Gwen Williams had passed away. Gwen was a black girl that I have worked with for YEARS in the cashiers cage. I believe that we worked together for 4 years at Wynn LV, a few years at The Venetian and a few years prior to that at The Rio.
I will remember Gwen as someone who was always hitting the time clock just seconds before being considered by management as late. She was always running in to work, in a hurry to get there and yet once there, she took her time and did her job the right way.
Unfortunately, Gwen's way wasn't the way that other "know it all bitch cashiers" would have liked her to operate. Some even went to the boss and ratted on her with unkind words. They told the boss that she was slow...and that they had to work harder and that it wasn't fair~!! All was said with a whine in their voices.
As you can imagine, I have sooooo little respect for them as I write this blog.
Well...they cant kick Gwen around any longer. As a matter of fact....not one person from Gwen's shift has even said how sorry they were to hear of her passing!! Can you fucking believe this??? A human being lost their life to cancer...and not one of them bowed their heads in shame for making her life at work a living nightmare. I was disgusted when I went online to check out my little farm on Facebook and discovered that not one of them had commented about Gwen's passing!! Even after I had left a message that said that I would miss her.
I'd give them the benefit of the doubt for not commenting but they sit on their fat asses and play their stupid fucking games all day without one concern for another human being.
I cant wait to leave this planet! It's becoming populated with androids. People who can't or won't say that they are sorry for the loss of another individuals life!
God what have we become???? I'm totally fucking blown away and mad as hell.
I'd break something if I knew it would make me feel better or change anything but I know it won't.
Gwen....you deserved better then the group of assholes that you worked with. And yes Gwen, you will be missed by at least one person....and that would be ME!

After viewing the photo of my sister and me (which I can't tell you how happy we both were to see such a nice photo of the two of us!) it occurred to me just how special the relationship between siblings is and can be.
I immediately thought of my two daughters, some day in the future, having their photograph taken together and enjoying life as much as my sister Patsy and I were enjoying the day! I've been blessed for the last 25 years to have my sister living so close to me and being able to hop in the car and be at her house within a few minutes! I've been blessed with a sister who can COOK! Yep those turkey dinners and wonderful Christmas hams and all the trimmings don't just fall from the sky! I've been blessed with her laughter and her positive comments when my life seemed to be falling apart and her natural way of hugging me and telling me that things WILL get better (and they did). She's been my best and dearest friend for my entire life (except for that ONE night when you wouldn't take me to the bathroom so I could pee....lol). The thought of ever being without her sends me into such a deep pit of depression.
I can only say one thing right now......

I LOVE YOU PAT AND I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU ARE MY SISTER!

The Best Sister in the Whole World

UPDATING THIS BLOG THINGY

Well...gee, where does one start after so many months of not writing a little bit of something each day? July...it was HOT but I was enjoying the garden. August...it was HOTTER but I was still enjoying the garden and PUMPKINS were growing everywhere! September...Not so HOT but the realization that Summer was just about over with and all of the green things were going to start turning that sickly pale green, then yellow and then brown. And of course this is just what happened by October! We had pumpkins, we had watermelons and cantaloupe from our garden. We enjoyed the green peppers and tomatos and of course the lettuce. Many things were learned in our little backyard and I can't wait to get out and get planting this year.

I love container gardening. I suppose it's because I have more control over the amount of sunlight, heat, waterings, and of course the pretty pots. Nothing would make me happier then to have a few BIG beautfiul pots for the new "crops" this year. I pointed out a couple of really beautiful pots to Brian yesterday when we visited Star Nursery. Of course neither of us could afford them but it was incredible to dream about what terrific little plants I'd put into each of them if we could buy them.

Last year Brian made two frames for me for above ground gardening. This year, I'd like for him to increase the height of the sides of the frames. The reason...I'd love to be able to add more dirt and mulch and compost and of course the added height means that I don't have to bend down so far to reap what I've sown!

In the planter boxes right now...I have last years fancy Geraniums but I have a feeling that 3 new plants will be taking the old plants places. The winter got pretty cold and I'm not sure that they are going to make it. I'll still be planting the petunias and I don't think that I'm going to have to worry about marigolds for the rest of my life!!!! These plants took over the flower box and there were enough seeds to replant an entire mountain valley! I'll have to show you when they start coming up this year. I'll include pictures in my next blog.

The backyard needs to be fertilized and of course weed killer will take out most of everything that looks brown right now. It was a beautiful yard last year. This year we are planning on getting rid of that huge "CAT BOX" off of the patio. We want to remove the "sand" and put in a couple tons of black dirt. Brian has his eye on planting there so I'll leave that up to him to play with.

Well....let's see....November...Thanksgiving....we spent it with my sister and family! And had such a nice time. She knows how to put together a dinner like no other and everything is done at the right time, the perfect temperature and looks beautiful! We even got a HUGE plate of everything to take home to enjoy for the next few days!

December.....nobody was able to come home to see me and I wasn't in any financial way to go see any of them. I was able to send my grandson a tricylce and a talking truck for Christmas and that made me very excited that he would at last get a present or two from me. Unfortunately, as it turned out, my son didn't go pick up the presents from the UPS center and they were returned to the store from which they were sent. Nice going Tom....can't explain just how great you made this grandma feel...!

The New Year came and went....and I was sooooo glad to see 2009 disappear into the ages. It was a horrible year for finances. It was a horrible year for travel. It was a horrible year for the economy and the only thing that I kept telling myself is that 2010 will be soooo much better!

And so far....it's turned out to be just that!
Looking forward to Spring and to Summer!

I'm not sure just how many people have food storage and rotation racks but if you are ready to begin food storage, this is the company that carries a line of products that will knock your socks off.
On top of that, they offer a free give away. You'll have to check it out their site and let me know which unit you decide to buy!
I'm looking at the Pantry 72"....it would be perfect for my needs and from there I can start building a larger storage pantry.

A Garden is for JOY!

I can't begin to write how wonderful it is to have a garden! It is so neat to be able to dig around in the dirt, add a few little seeds and then have this amazing plant begin to GROW!!! Our garden is filled with Watermelon and Pumpkin and Cantaloupe! My cucumber plant has finally decided to give it a go and it won't be long and we will see a few little cukes attached to the vine.

The watermelon and pumpkin are really starting to get big and they were soooo cute when they first got noticed as the size of a ping pong ball!

My flower boxes are doing great and the grass in the backyard is green! Brian added a birdhouse to the backyard but I think we missed the nesting season for this year. Hopefully we will both be able to watch the birds in the springtime choose one of the "stories" to our 2 story bird house!

Well...in the meantime it's enjoying life to the fullest!

Until another time, it's back outside to the garden I go..............!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was always a special day in my house when I was growing up! I couldn't wait to do something nice or make something special for my mom. Whatever I managed to create in the way of a self made greeting card, never seemed to be enough. From those younger years I couldn't wait to be bigger so that I could buy a card from the store and give it to her. I wanted to see the smile in her eyes as she opened the card and carefully took it out of the envelope. I knew that no matter what the card looked like she would love it but just knowing that I made her day a special day was what counted.
I remember one Mother's Day in particular....I had gone to the store with my brother Mick and picked out a card that was absolutely beautiful! It had flowers and glitter on the front of it and that was all I needed to see! I knew that this was the card that she would cherish forever! The day came and it was time to give mom her card. I handed her the card and she had that twinkle in her eyes as she began to slowly open the seal (of course I had licked it to seal it shut, making it more dramatic in my eyes as she opened it). She took the card out of the envelope and said............."OH how pretty!!!" (That was enough for me to hear to make my day!) Then she opened it up and started to laugh. Laugh? What was so funny about my card? I guess I hadn't really read the verse as I scanned the cards for that perfect flower, glitter, etc. If I had, I would have known that this card was a sympathy card...NOT a Mother's Day card! DOH!
Well....she had a good laugh as she pulled me close and gave me a HUGE hug and a kiss to the forehead and then said...."This was a very pretty card!" I don't remember much more than that. I do know that I read cards now very carefully before sending them.

I miss my kids on all days but especially on a day that's made just for mothers. Usually the Saturday before Mother's day, all moms stay close to their front door in hopes of being home for the floral delivery guy...or better, a surprise from one of the kids that they are home for a visit! Saturday came and went for me......and although the florist trucks were busy at the houses to my right and to my left and directly across the street, they never stopped for me.

But all was not lost when Emily phoned this morning to wish me a happy day, we talked for a little bit and exchanged a few pleasantries and then something interrupted her on her end and she had to go. I was wondering if "the boys" in my daughters lives would get on the phone and wish me a Happy Mother's day too as my brother in laws used to do with my mom. But it's a different world today then the one that I grew up in so many long years ago. Emily said that she would call me back but the phone never rang again.
I suppose that Mandy is busy with Alex and Davey or at work waiting on all the other mothers that have been taken out for a nice dinner by their kids. And Tommy....He's probably asleep or out at the bar with his friends, not realizing that this really is a special day that mothers wait for every year. Just like fathers wait to be shown a little extra affection, a little pampering from their children.
Well I hope that wherever they are and whatever they are doing today that they at least had a little memory of me as they were growing up..........and could share that with someone.

I guess it's time that I forget about Mother's Day 2009 and focus on something else. I do know one thing....it's darn lonely when your kids are spread out across the country and the only thing that you have to hope for is an email card, a cellphone call, or even a snail mail card instead of a hug and a day spent together, and nothing shows up for you.

Oh well........to the other Mother's of the world: Happy Mother's Day!

After the flood back in October of 2008 we realized that this was going to take a long time to get the house back into shape. Even if the insurance company was quick to respond with our check(s), the mortgage company made it less then a joyful experience to get things back to normal.
The latest update is that we do have the kitchen and dining area (pretty much the same area),living room, hallway, hallway closets and bathrooms all tiled. We had the room off of the living room tiled instead of carpeted for a few reasons. First reason....DOGS. It's much easier to wipe up a piddle or a poop from a dog that has had an "accident" (because it's owners weren't watching to let them outside to relieve themselves) then it is to clean up brand new carpeting. And we all know that no matter how hard you work to get a "spot" out of the carpeting, it always shows up again.
The second reason....The floor is nice and cool and that means a few things...the house will feel cooler in the summer when we don't really need to be running the air conditioning. So far I have not had it on but Brian did mention that he got up and turned it on the other night because his room felt stuffy. (I don't know why he didn't just open his bedroom window...but then again, he's afraid of intruders so I guess I do understand)
The night temperatures have been delicious! The kind of temperatures that we will long for come August or September! I throw my windows open and let the cool air in..........and most of the time I have a fan running to help bring those delightful breezes right into the house and down the hallway! Intruders be damned! (I know that there is a remote possibility for this to happen but I'm going to hedge a bet that I'll be safe for the next few years living here) Those redneck neighbors of mine know everyone who's supposed to be here and everyone who looks "foreign." After all....they did call the police on Brian and me the night before we got the keys to this house, as we sat in the backyard enjoying the moonlight and our new yard. So I'm going to leave security up to them! They seem to know what to do.

Anyway....back to the house. Brian and I pulled weeds (Brian used the shovel on most of them) and I raked until I got a blister (even with gloves) to get all of the dead weeds and new weeds out of the dirt. I had to stop because I didn't want to get an infection. Remember diabetics don't heal all that fast and I really didn't want to lose a thumb as well as my job as a cashier due to infection. So...Brian ended up doing most of the weeding. After all of that was done, we went to Star Nursery and bought the seed starter, grass seed and steer manure! Mmmmm.....have I mentioned how nice cow dung smells when you add water to it? The dogs had quite a look on their little faces when we introduced them to the back yard that afternoon. All morning they had been in their kennels so as not to disturb the process.

Water water water.....sunshine sunshine sunshine....more water....and today we have the hint of green little blades of grass beginning to poke their heads up through the dirt!!! Hooray!!! Of course there will be patches that we will have to reseed because Chuckie and Gordie had to help with the "sprinkling" and "fertilizing!" I'll send some pictures when there is more to show then just a faint hint of grass coming up!

So....yesterday Brian built what I am going to call our plant stand and grapevine arbor. It looks terrific and there is quite a sense of accomplishment and pride that he takes in doing jobs around the house. He also planted his garden of watermelon and cantalope. My cucumbers are coming up and there are about 8 little peppers on my bell pepper plants! So as you can read...everything is coming up nicely which makes me smile and be very happy inside.

Today I danced with your dad. I watched him approaching me through closed eyes and I felt my heart flutter as if I were a school girl at her first dance.

Today I danced with your dad. His eyes never left mine as he held out his hand, requesting mine. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes as the room went a bit out of focus but I held out my hand with anticipation of his touch.

Today I danced with your dad. As if in slow motion I stood up from my chair and stepped forward. I felt his warm hand enveloping mine as he led me to the middle of the floor. He pulled me close to him and held me tight...as if to reassure me of his protection from something unseen.

Today I danced with your dad. Everything in the room seemed to fade away as we moved together effortlessly. No words were spoken. He held me close and as we swayed to the music I heard him sigh and whisper, “I will always love you.”

Today I danced with your dad. And today for a moment in time everything was all right.

TILE UPDATE.....

OH IT LOOKS WONDERFUL!!!

If I had known how pretty floor tile actually can be in a home we would have had it put down in our house in Henderson! Wow!! I wish you were all here to see it.

Today the workers will be finishing the master bathroom and Brian has already gone to Home Depot to purchase the baseboard. He will bring it home and cut it. Then it will be my turn to paint it. I'll be set up on the patio for painting. After it dries it will go back to Brian and his nailgun and WHAM!! down along the tile it will go! It's going to look sooooo nice in here! And I wish that all of you could come home to see it.

Sigh........

Anyway.....while I'm here I also thought that I would mention that THE TOAST OF THE DAY IS: "Here's to nothing!"

National Nothing Day. Anniversary of the event created by newspaperman Harold Pullman Coffin and first observed in 1973, "to provide Americans with one national day when they can just sit with out celebrating, observing, or honoring anything."

Dose of Mirth: "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."~Douglas Adams

So if you've got "nothing" to do today....enjoy your day! And if you've got "something" planned...well, enjoy that too! hahahaa!

Granny's Apron

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER: Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron. I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron ..... but Love !!

IT'S HEEEERE!

I am just so excited that I can hardly control my fingers as I fly across the keyboard!

WE HAVE 72 BOXES OF CERAMIC TILE STACKED NEATLY IN OUR GARAGE TO BEGIN THEIR JOURNEY THROUGHOUT OUR HOUSE ON MONDAY!!!

Oh my gosh I am soooooo excited that I can hardly wait to walk naked (just my feet that is) on our new floor! Hahaaaa! Of course I'll take a few pictures and try to post it but the next few days are going to be tearing down the furniture that is still "inside" the house and putting it in the bedrooms! Once the floor is done....then we begin the bedrooms! Everything OUT of the bedrooms so that the baseboard and carpeting can be put down! I'm thinking that we will be doing this one bedroom at a time?? Sounds logical but so far....none of this has been logical! haha!

Right now our biggest thought to ponder is ...."Which bathroom floor should they do first? The Master bath where we take our showers and need to get to our clothes.....OR the hallway bathroom (that's the bathroom that I like to use)?

Ok....so now I have to get a few things packed (again) and put away (I think my gnomes are getting used to living in a box and out of a box...in a box and out of a box. haha! Time to get them back into the box and move the cabinet someplace.......

Now where's that strapping tape again???

TOAST OF THE DAY!

Ahhhhh ....the first week of the new year behind us! All of the parties and those who attended them are safely back to work by now. Resolutions are being followed out faithfully or quickly filed away for next year, maybe.
For me....I dream of the day when I can go out and ring in the new year and not be at work. I'm not much of a party goer but I think that I'd really like to have a pretty dress to begin the new year celebrations. I'd make something up to celebrate if I couldn't come up with something......and that brings me to what I was going to write about here today.

The book that I've been reading....The Awe-manac. I thought I'd share the "Toast of the Day" with you. I thought that it was something to ponder in a world where we take things for granted. So here it is......

"Here's to the amazing convenience of talking to someone on a long distance phone call!"

Makes me think of all of those who left their families back east and headed west. Some never seeing or hearing from them again once they were out of sight in their covered wagons. I think to myself...."Could I have left my mother and my father? My sister and my brothers? My childhood friends and neighbors? Could I have really just packed everything up and said goodbye?" I know the answer today. I couldn't have done that. I would not have been one of the pioneers if I wasn't leaving as an entire family. I couldn't leave anyone behind, knowing I'd never see or hear or touch them again.

So.......Today, I give thanks for the invention of the telephone and the ability to use it whenever we want to and to be able to do it for pennies. I'm hoping that all of you are safe and warm and feel loved as you read this.

Love
Mom

A New Year and a New Book!

Some people like to take long vacations in new parts of the world. Some like to purchase and wear expensive jewelry. Some go crazy with purchasing art and some just go crazy purchasing! As for me, I can't resist a bookstore!
So...to make the story short and simple, I bought a new book to start my year off with a smile!
The name of the books is THE AWE-MANAC....A Daily Dose of Wonder by Jill Badonsky.
Why did I buy this book?? You're probably going to snicker here but I liked the whimsical hardback cover! I also liked the size of the book, the pages inside with all of the cool things to think about.

Each day there's a space where you name the day! Then there's a sentence that you have to finish each day. Each day you see these words: TODAY I GET TO__________. It's a way of celebrating the day! Celebrating your life! Celebrating someone else or something else....(and God knows I need to find something to celebrate!) There's cool little sayings, and birthdays of famous people and little cartoons on each page of something whimsy.
There's even a TOAST OF THE DAY! Today the toast is...."Here's to a refreshing mid-day's nap!" (Ahhhh....my kind of a toast!)
Then of course there's the part of the page that really gets me going....writing something special. Maybe I feel no words will pour forth from my finger tips or my pen (whichever I may be using) and then the inspiration comes from reading from the "WORD POOL." This is the section where there are several words that make no sense but somehow can inspire you to write write write!
And then there's the special Journal stuff...like...."List 3 things you're glad you did already this year!" 1. Got through New Years at work.
2. Cleaned out the filing cabinet and made new
folders.
3. Continued to read books that I've started and
never finished. (Whew! That's quite an
endeavor!)

So....once again I play to my addiction (bookstores and papers and pens and writing) with pleasure.

Out with the old and in with the new...

There's something soothing in the phrase, "out with the old and in with the new." New beginnings for each of us. A chance to change with the beginning of the new year. A time for reflection of the events that captured us and sometimes made us feel as though we were being held hostage and the review of those moments when we felt free, if only for a short while.

JANUARY 2008.... came and went without much fanfare. I was living in Susie's house on Tropicana Avenue and paying rent. Thoughts of her coming home later this year were starting to creep into my mind. It was a month of parties! Of course there were no party dresses for me to celebrate the New Year because I work in the gaming industry and "everybody" works the holiday (or else). Casino workers live in fear of getting sick, having an accident or missing work during these "peak holiday days" for fear of losing their jobs! A great way to start out a new year...isn't it? (Honestly...I've been working in the casino industry since 1986 and I've NEVER once seen it so busy that everyone had to be at work! But then again...I'll take that overtime pay anyday!!)

FEBRUARY 2008... My son celebrates his 30th birthday....and I recall those early days with his dad as we struggled to make a home and raise our new family.

MARCH 2008....A quiet month. Nothing to speak of here. Breathing in and breathing out. Looking forward to my FIRST income tax return in more than 25 years! OH NO!............Mandy and Alex are moving to Kansas!
They've bought a house! There's no changing their minds.....

APRIL 2008...All seems to be going well until the end of the month when I notice that my little girl Shitzu is getting weaker. She's been sick since she was born with liver shunt. Basically....toxins in her blood would build up and because the artery that carried the blood to her liver was not entering the liver, the toxins would keep circulating in her bloodstream. I knew that the end would be soon and I dreaded every day.
April 31st....I discovered that I was a diabetic. A shock to my senses and a wake up call about my own mortality.

MAY 2008...Morgan, my little shih Tzu, is put down. She just couldn't overcome the toxins. She was almost 2 years old. Diabetic tests, pills, training and new diet along with exercise is occupying my time. I'm afraid for the first time in my life and I realize that I won't die of diabetes but the complications from it. I've had my eyes checked, more blood tests, seen a foot doctor, walked on a treadmill and watched what I've eaten. I'm trying to stay on top of this new "wave" but feel myself occasionally being dragged into a depression. This month I celebrate my 55th birthday with one of the best times in my life! Mandy and Alex come back home for a surprise birthday bash! Emily and Jake, Brian, Tommy, and my sister Pat, her husband Bob and their granddaughter Suzy are all there! And then I am presented with one of the most beautiful gifts of all....a scrapbook of my life...a "time machine" of the past.

JUNE 2008... Summer is here. The temperatures are beginning to really climb. Brian and I are thinking about where we are going to go when Susie returns from Macau. I decide that I can not return to apartment living after being in a house for 2 years! Besides...I now have Chuckie the Chihuahua!!! Gordie was starting to pine away after losing Morgan and I was afraid that he wouldn't recover. He needed companionship! And Chuckie was perfect! Although the credit card shouldn't have seen such a drastic increase for the month...he was worth it!
This year my sister celebrated her 70th birthday! We had always talked about when she would be 70 and I would be 55 and here it was, the day had arrived. We went out for a birthday lunch with Bob, Brian and Suzy. It was fun.

It is time to start looking for a house. I contact Steve Thomsen and discuss the possibilities of me having my own house. Can I afford it? Are there special lending incentives for me to take advantage? Steve reassures me that there is something out there and begins to take me on the journey. The first house that I fall in love with just happens to be HUGE but needs much interior work. With no money for down payments and closing costs, where will I ever come up with money for paint and carpeting? I make an offer on the house, the bank counter offers and I walk away from the house. Good thing too! It was near the HOG farm! I tell Steve that I do NOT want to live in North Las Vegas. He tells me that this is where I can find some really great bargains on houses. I tell him that I don't want to live near the hog farm over and over again. It takes a while for it to sink in that I'm serious. Now begins the trips to the Hispanic neighborhoods and black neighborhoods in the areas that he tells me I can "afford" to buy a home. Brian is shocked as he escorts me to each house. I realize that my choices for a really nice house are dwindling. Brian decides that rather then having to come up with down payment money for an apartment of his own (first month, last month, security and cleaning fees....they all add up) he would like to purchase a house with me. I call Steve and tell him about our decision to purchase a house together. Steve now begins to show us properties that the two of us can afford. We make an offer on a house near my sister and brother in laws house. It is located in the same subdivision but only a much smaller home. Needless to say... this would not be the house for us. The bank accepts the other offer made over the weekend. Our spirits are beginning to sag...but I won't give up! The next day Steve tells me that he has another house in the area on Raven Creek Avenue that we can drive by and see if we'd like to take a look at it. We agree to go look at it and when we enter the house and see the laminate flooring....the vaulted ceilings in the living room, dining room and kitchen we discover that this is the house for us! Amazing!!! We make the offer on the house that day and wait.......and wait....the house has been foreclosed on by the bank and the bank is located on the east coast.

JULY 2008 ..........It's hot outside and we really start thinking about packing our things as well as going through things and throwing them away. We have soooo much to move! The bank has accepted our offer and now it's time to look forward to closing on the house. We have been told that we could close on the house in August! But Susie won't be home until October! OH no! As fate would have it....we didn't get the keys to the house until October....our first house payment due November 1st!

AUGUST 2008....Waiting and waiting to get the bank to sign off on our house so that we can get it funded! The wait is awful.

SEPTEMBER 2008... We are told that we will be closing on the house...maybe by the middle of September. Start packing! The middle of the month comes and we sign more papers. Then the end of September...and still no occupancy of our house!

OCTOBER 2008...We are homeowners! We have the keys! It's time to start moving our things from one end of town to the other. Slowly cleaning Susie's house as we move out. October 24th...the day that we shampoo her carpeting and close the house down until she returns. I put in a "last load" of clothes in our new washing machine in the new house and leave for Susies' house on the other side of town. It's 8 am....we return at 2 pm to discover that we have just lost all of the laminate flooring in our house due to a flood! The washing machine had been overflowing for 6 hours, pumping more than 9,000 gallons of water into the house. We were devastated at the destruction and what laid before us in the next few days.
One week later....I receive a phone call that Tom is dead. The color has gone completely out of my life and I wonder if I'll be able to recover.

NOVEMBER 2008....I fly to Pittsburg with my son Tom. He has just lost his dad and what I believe to be the "rudder" of his life. I am no substitute for a father. Mandy and Alex, Emily and Jake are arriving around the same time in Pittsburg. We are all so broken now. I can see it on their faces and I can sense that loss in their souls. I meet Tom's wife Linda, who is now his widow. I sense her loss and know just what a life she will be missing. I have no place among Tom's family. I have decided that after the wake I will return to my motel room. I will attend the funeral but will not attend any after funeral gatherings. I do not belong there. I am only there for my children. I pay my last respects to the best friend that I have ever had and begin the journey through the last part of my life without his presence. I miss him. I feel the cold creep into my life and know now that I am aging.

It's time to fly home. Susie will be returning from Macau in a few days. Her house looks nice and I am satisfied with leaving it in the condition that we did. All she would have to do is move her furniture back in. No cleaning.

Brian waits for me at the airport. I am glad to see him. We have much to do in the weeks to come. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I realize that this will be the first holiday without Tom. Money is so scarce right now for me but I plan a dinner for the kids thinking that they will need to be with family. I later discover that Thanksgiving dinner was at Linda's house and that what I had prepared could have been cold sandwiches. It didn't take me long to discover that none of them were hungry and just why that was so. None of them had said that they were going to be going to Linda's for Thanksgiving....

DECEMBER 2008.... Emily and Jake have moved to Washington and right before Christmas. Tommy is living with Linda or on the street. He may not live with me for several reasons. First, this is not just my house. This house also belongs to Brian. And although Brian has told me that it is okay for Tommy to live here until he can find something of his own, I have decided that Tommy needs to apologize not only to Brian for his behavior but also to me for his behavior in Pittsburg. The second reason is that his anger is out of control and his drinking is something that I will not tolerate. I lived with an alcoholic father while growing up and saw him go through recovery. I will not subject myself to alcoholism again. When Tom and I were married we had an agreement that there would be NO alcohol in the house. Tommy was the first to break that rule by bringing in bottles of beer and stashing them behind the entertainment center, behind the couch....etc.

Christmas....no tree. No presents to give or to receive. No children to celebrate the season. Only two cards. One from my sister and one from Mandy and Alex.
Christmas day Brian and I go to my sisters house for dinner.

The economy sucks.....Brian talks about closing his shop....we will lose the house because of that? How long will the casino be able to afford me? Will I get laid off? ...................

Goodbye 2008.........

Interesting things to mention....

In a previous blog I wrote about purchasing a couple of books and a calendar. Well I just had to mention that I started reading both of them! I know that sounds crazy but one book is more like a daily almanac (hence the name "Awe-manac") and the other is one of those books that you have to read a little and either roll over and take a nap or get up and think about what you've just read for a little while. (This has always made me think that I don't know what the hell I just read!) Anyway....one of the neatest things in the Awe-manac is these little "Toasts of the Day"

I thought that I'd share the Toast of the Day for December 27th

HERE'S TO A SKY SO CLEAR THAT AT NIGHT YOU CAN SEE MORE STARS THAN SKY!

By the way....did you know how much I enjoy the night sky? I have always said that when I die, if it's at all possible, I'm going to zoom around the universe and vist those planets and places that I've dreamed about out there. And when you see a shooting star....think of me! I just might have been the one trying to get your attention to keep looking UP!

I forgot to mention in that previous blog that last night I actually got Brian to purchase a book called Conversations with my Father. It's actually a book that he will sit down and answer the questions about himself (honestly) and about his mom and dad and memories about his life and his family. I have always thought that one day when Brian passes away that Justin might just like to have something of his dad. I remember when Tom and I were married that I suggested that he sit down and write his thoughts on how things worked, his feelings about life in general and even the hard times that we had gone through and were going through. I was so glad to know that he wrote in the journals that I had bought him. And I know in my heart that it wasn't all pretty. And neither are the journals that I keep.
(Something to think about isn't it?)

Well...anyway....The toast of the day for Tomorrow December 28th is:

HERE'S TO A COMFORTABLE CHAIR; A GOOD BOOK, AND A VIEW.

Ahhhhh....my kind of toast!

I'm Addicted

What an incredible experience it is when you realize that you have an addiction! Although I've known about it for quite some time, I have to admit that it feels great to admit it out loud and on "e-paper."

As with most addictions it requires a certain amount of money and the more money that I have, the more I will give up readily for my habit. ( You can't imagine how excited I was to figure out how much I would have at the end of my paycheck with each drop in gasoline prices!! That meant I could spend that money on my addiction!)

Just yesterday I kept saying that I had to go to Office Max to get a refill for my favorite pen (which was true) but I had a hidden agenda that I wasn't going to say out loud. You see...I knew that if I was going to go to Office Max or Office Depot that my supplier would be just a few doors down and I could sneak into the store and start salivating over all of the possibilities that would help my mood (one way or another!). So...I mentioned to Brian that I had to get a refill for my pen and off we went (I think he has an addiction too but he still hasn't openly admitted it to me)to the store. I became a bit nervous when Brian decided that Office Max was right close to our house and that we were going to go there. It's off of Centennial Parkway and close to a couple of the other stores that I love to wander through....Petmart to name one of them. The problem here is that I began to get a bit nervous since Brian drove his SUV and was "in control" of which store we would be going to.

We parked the SUV and walked into Office Max. I think that we were two of maybe 10 people in the entire store and it looked like 4 of them were employees! Odd, you would think that it would have been busier on the day after Christmas! Hmmmm.....

As we walked inside the first thought was....PAPER! I like paper....notepads and stickys and highlighters and journals and calendars....and day planners and night planners and oh the end of my list isn't even in sight!!! I just love this store...bubble wrap and tubes and packaging tape....and oh all of those wonderful can't live without things in that store!! It's TRUE! Really it is....

So....I found my way to the aisle where all of the pens were displayed on their own little pegs. Oh what a delight! I LOVE pens just about as much as I LOVE PAPER so I stood just like the little kid staring into the candy store window dreaming about which one I would choose! (Now keep in mind that all I really needed was a refill for the pen that I already have but reason flew out the window as I reached for not just one pen, but a package of THREE !) Black ink, Red ink and of course Blue ink the only color that we can use at work. I quickly found the package and felt a sense of accomplishment as I walked away from the rest of the pens. (There's a sick part of me that knows that these inanimate objects "know" that I'll be back again soon! )

As with every time that Brian and I go into a store he disappears on me shortly after we enter the store. This was no exception. I can usually find him fawning over the computer monitors or the printers or the new laptops or somewhere in the electronic gadgets and I hunt him down each and every time. When I found him I told him that I was ready to go and waited for him to head towards the checkout stand.

Remember....I told you that I was a bit nervous that because he drove and was in control of where we went next that I wouldn't be able to get to my "supplier" without thinking quickly! So I said....it's about 7:15 p.m. and we have a little time before the stores close, do you want to go over to the bookstore? (Here is where little beads of perspiration would appear if this were a movie) He didn't hesitate. He said, "Sure!" (And here's where you would see me doing the "Happy Dance!") I was going to get my fix!!! I was going to be able to wander around and fondle all of the new arrivals at BARNES and NOBLE BOOKS!!!! (And I knew in my heart that before it was all over that we would be heading out the door and back to the SUV with less money then what we went into the store with!) Keeping this in mind...I didn't pause very long at each neatly stacked table of what I like to refer to as "my friends" for fear of having to break out the charge card at the check out stand.

You see.....addicts do know that we have a limit! hahaaa.....

So today I am sitting with a couple of my new "friends." I bought the hardback book....THE AWE-MANAC A Daily Dose of Wonder by Jill Badonsky which has such a whimsical cover that it will make a great table side book for any room! The book is filled with tips to energize anyone and is filled with Anti-aging potions (things that will keep you young through reading) as well as hundreds of creativity prompts for those days when you just can't think of anything to do, say or feel!
I bought a calendar for my kitchen wall. It was half price! That meant that I could take half the cost and apply that money to maybe something else in the store....Burt's bees?....itty bitty book lights...? A new jounal?...or that stuffed animal that I just know that my grandson would love (if his mom would give it to him from me)! Well as it turned out...there was another book that caught my eye and of course my hand quickly snatched it off of the shelf. It's called, READING PEOPLE by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D., and Mark Mazzarella. It was on the New York Times Best Seller list and basically it's a book on how to understand people and predict their behavior--anytime, anyplace. Now this is going to be a good read, I'm sure!

So.....I hunt down Brian again (remember he's gone his way in this store too) and tell him that it's time to go. I think he knows that by my lingering I may spend more than I have and break out a credit card so he immediately stops what he is doing and heads toward the check out stand. Of course most of the time he doesn't buy anything but makes sure that I get to the counter without grabbing anything else along the way. Sure enough.....the calendar and two books and I've spent 44.00! But what treasures I take home in a bag!

I can't wait to share them with you.....! So, if I don't answer my phone right away... call me back! After all I'll need time to get up off of the couch and answer it. You may have to ring twice for a few days (or just until I get these books read and the calendar hung on the wall!)

It's that time again....

Well....it's happened. Again.
I was wondering just how long it would be before it would return to grace the shelves of my refrigerator and of course I'm wondering how long it will stay until it fades away once more.
What am I talking about? It's that stuff you either loved as a kid or were totally turned off by it. Give up...? Need another clue...? Ok it wiggles on your plate and it comes in colors. Mine just happens to be orange and it is sugar free! (Oh the joy it brings to someone watching their weight or for those of us who have to watch all of those crazy sugary things lurking on the shelves at the grocery store!)
Ok...I know you guessed it. It's Jell-O! And do I spell it that way? Or is it okay if I spell it Jello, or jello (without that capital letter J)?
I was thinking that it's been YEARS since I've made the stuff and I've had it in my pantry off and on for years! I just never really made the stuff.
Now don't ask me why yesterday I decided to actually take it down from the shelf, tear open the little box and stare at the package thinking..."I wonder if this stuff is any good?" So...I boiled the water (easy) added that to the magical jello concoction and stirred it furiously. I think I liked making the orange "tornado" in the bowl and really don't know how long I had been stirring it when I seemed to snap out of the tornado frenzy with enough time to add the cold water and begin to stir it al over again! Oh what fun! (And some people think that I don't have a life!!) Anyway...now that the cold water had been added to the hot water that I stirred until it was probably just warm water it was time to find the perfect serving bowl that this stuff could get hard in. I grabbed one bowl out of the cabinet and quickly realized that although it was pretty and would make a nice serving bowl, it belonged to the dogs. Something about that made me decide that perhaps another bowl would be better. But...it had to be just the right size. I had thought about pouring the sticky concoction into a 11 x 14 glass lasagna pan but then thought that this was just a small box of jello and it would probably only be about 1/2 inch deep in the pan if I did that. Hmm...I needed something a little bit smaller and maybe a little bit more square! After about 20 minutes of going through one cabinet after another it occurred to me that I hadn't brought in all of my dishes and pots and pans from the garage yet! So....out to the garage I went and stared at the mountain of boxes that Brian had so neatly arranged on one side of the garage (the side away from the hot water heater that he feels is about ready to blow like Mt. St. Helens just because it's probably 8 years old). Ok...I found the box, unpacked it and brought in one of my favorite Corning Ware treasures! A quick wash in the sink, a quicker dry with the towel and soon it was filled with that orange liquid that by now I was just tempted to drink instead of going through all of the trouble of clearing a spot in the refrigerator so that it would "set up."
Well....after "dessert" was made I figured that now I had to get busy and find something to go before it. Brian would be home in a short while and the box said that it needed about 4 hours to set up in the refrigerator. So...back to the freezer this time to stare into it to see what magically wanted to jump into my hands to be offered up as dinner. I tossed out a few things that were getting freezer burn, found 2 freezer pops (for later) a more than 1/2 eaten tub of chocolate "sugar free" looks like ice cream but tastes like paste stuff that is supposed to make diabetic people squirm and giggle with delight! (oh sure....) I discovered that Brian must have had a bad morning because the breakfast cereal (Raisn Bran) was in the freezer with a chip clip across the top of the bag. I'd mention it to him but I bet that the story behind it would be longer then the time it would take me to defrost the bag of cereal and sit down and eat the rest of it. Anyway...I finally agreed that the chicken breasts had to be sacrificed for our dinner and that I would smother it with a can of mushroom soup (to hide the size of the chicken breasts).... Also that new bag of frozen aspargus spears that boasted a new "glaze" sauce to enhance the taste of the asparagus! (Geeze what was I thinking when I bought this stuff?) And of course I had to have some kind of pasta with this so I chose Mac and Cheese (for the 5 year old screaming inside of me for those little pinwheel shapes!) According to the box I could have about 10 little pinwheels before falling prey to a diabetic coma. (It was worth it!)
Brian was a bit surprised when he came home and found dinner cooking. I was tempted to call out another man's name and say something like, "Phillip? Is that you?" But I thought I had better not play with the man after the last few days that he's had.
Dinner was wolfed down quickly and I asked him if he would like dessert. His eyes lit up like the Christmas tree as he quickly said, "Sure!" But I noticed that they dimmed a bit when he saw that it was "just jell-o."
So....I squirted some whipped cream on the top of his jell-o and handed it to him like it had taken all day to prepare and stood back to watch his reaction. He was gracious enough to say..."This is good!" (I'm sure he was talking about the whipped cream on top of the orange stuff!)

And now you know why it will probably be another 15 years before the jello gets made again!